-- Randy Youngman of the Orange County Register picks Kentucky to beat Maryland in the final, with Duke and Syracuse also reaching the Final Four. He adds, "Disclaimer: The cream always rises to the top. But, then again, so do corpses."

-- From Jim Armstrong of the Denver Post: "If Kentucky's coach is called Tubby, does that mean we should call Rick Majerus 'Slim'?"

-- Randy Hill of FoxSports.com marvels that Texas point guard T.J. Ford "has breakaway speed comparable to that of my ex-wives."

-- Hill's tournament prediction: "Fresno State knocks off St. Bonaventure and Georgia slips past Michigan in the opening round of the N.O.T."

-- Another prediction from Hill: "During a lull in the action, CBS lead analyst Billy Packer rips NBA Commissioner David Stern's plan to set a minimum- age limit of 20 years for incoming players. 'The minimum age for a player to really be ready for the NBA,' Billy argues, 'is 30.' "

NO MAD DASHES?: Commissioner Bud Selig told TV network bosses and marketing executives that baseball is "the greatest game ever invented." He said it is not "a mad dash from one end of a field or court to the other in the pursuit of an accumulation of goals." Unless, of course, it's Guillermo Mota in full backpedal and the goals are to escape Mike Piazza and save his hide.

-- According to Smith & Street's 2003 baseball magazine, Pacific Bell Park patrons can buy a 14-ounce bee for only $5. Says John Bamberger, "It's a honey of a deal if you ask me."

-- In an interview, Phillies closer Jose Mesa said if he faced former Indians teammate Omar Vizquel 10 times, he'd hit him 10 times. "Do you know what that means?" asks Bill Scheft of Sports Illustrated. "His control is back. "

-- Mesa threatens to hurt Vizquel? Says Michael Ventre of MSNBC.com: "I guess that means Mesa plans to rejoin Cleveland and pitch at a critical moment of a postseason game."

-- Harry Teinowitz of ESPN Radio, on Jose Canseco's 30-day jail sentence: "He (became) the first member of baseball's elusive 30-30-30 club."

-- When authorities show up to check on Canseco's house arrest over the next two years, how will they know it's not Ozzie?

SOMETHING MISSING: Boom!, a custom branding firm, has been granted an NFL license to make team-logoed toiletry kits filled with cologne, body wash and antiperspirant. Raiders fans are already asking, "What, no face paint?"

-- Believe me, men, if the sweet smell of success is what you're after, just dab on the all-new Cincinnati Bengals cologne.

-- "I see no good reason to change the name of Pacific Bell Park," says Jim Greene. "SBC has such a terrible ring to it."

-- Bill Lankhof of the Toronto Sun, on the wallowing Raptors: "There are teams with less backbone -- just not any outside the Protozoan Division."

-- From Michael Feldman of NPR's "Whad'Ya Know": "Bob Uecker -- .195 lifetime, rounded up to .200, 14 home runs and 74 RBIs in only six seasons -- makes it to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Kids, if you can't be good, be funny."

-- In 1967, the Giants' Ron Herbel served up the only grand slam Uecker hit.

"When his manager, Herman Franks, came out to get him," Uecker cracked, "he was bringing Herbel's suitcase."